Apologies all around for my long absence from the blog scene.  I would like to say I’ve been super busy and just couldn’t find the time, but the truth is I’ve just gotten lazy in my old age.  27 takes it out of you, people!

Anywho – I just started my Sub Internship rotation or “Sub-I” as we med students like to call it.  It can also be called an Audition Rotation.  I scheduled this rotation at the program I am most interested in applying to and that will likely be my number one choice for the match.

I was super nervous for this rotation, and for good reason.  A Sub-I is basically like a month-long interview.  You’re forced to work hard and always be “on.”  It means getting to the hospital earlier than anyone else and staying late even if they tell you to go home.  Two of my least favorite things.

However, I’m only 3 days in, and I’m having a blast.  I am on the Green Team, which is made up of one attending physician, 2 senior residents, 2 interns, a 3rd year medical student, and myself.  We also have 2 pharmacists who round with us.  My team is really cool and very chill.  My attending is nice as could be.  And it’s all just solidifying my interest in the program and my desire to go into Internal Medicine.

But today I had an “Aha Moment.”  I just realized than a year from now, I’ll be the Intern.  I’ll be the one putting in the orders and calling in the consults and making the plan for the patient.  And that is so freaking terrifying I can’t even put it into words.

I mean – nothing magical is going to happen between now and then.  It’s not like I have a bunch more classes to teach me things or any specific rotations that are going to suddenly turn me into a doctor.  All that stands between me and next year is graduation and the match.  And it’s absolutely terrifying.

I am so ready to be out of medical school, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to be a doctor.  The closer it gets, the less prepared I feel.  I just have this fear that at some point someone is going to point their finger at me and say, “Hey you – you’re not supposed to be here!  You’re a fake!”  Because that’s how I feel sometimes.  I should not be allowed to see patients and talk to physicians and make suggestions about patient care.  I’m a nobody.  And I have so, so much more I need to learn before I feel like I should be put in charge of taking care of anybody.

Future Dr. Emily’s problem.  Right now I’m just going to focus on pretending that I know what I’m doing so that maybe someone will want me in their residency program.  Fake it till you make it.