I believe I’ve set a new record for the longest time between blog posts.
I haven’t forgotten that I have a blog. I actually think about writing quite a lot these days. But it seems every time I sit down and try to write about my life, the words just don’t seem to flow. Where to start? What to say? What not to say? And after a few minutes of staring at the screen, I give up.
But today is the day. Today, I write. But again, where to start?
I’m a senior resident now. Actually, I’m almost halfway done with my second year of residency! It’s amazing how time flies. I can still remember my first day as a new intern in the ICU. I remember asking one of the nurses to stop referring to me as “Dr. Howard” because it was giving me palpitations. And yet, just last month I found myself back in the ICU, as a senior resident, taking care of unstable patients, running codes, placing blind central lines, and basically kicking ass. It’s amazing how far I’ve come.
Being a senior resident was terrifying at first. I started off the year as night float senior, covering both brand new night interns as well as running the cardiology service overnight. I was scared. I felt so unprepared. And yet, I wasn’t. I was ready. I knew what I was doing. Somehow, after only a year of training, I had learned how to be a doctor. I knew how to manage patients. Most of the time, anyway.
And as I sit here typing this, I realize I am halfway through my residency, and I have so much yet to learn. So many things I have yet to know, before I graduate, and I’m on my own. With no one to check my mistakes. With no one to guide me in the right direction. And I’m again, terrified.
But the days are long, and there is no time to sit and worry about the future. I barely know what my plans are for tomorrow. Every day is a constant battle to keep my head above water. To eat three meals a day. To make sure that no one runs out of clean underwear. And to make sure that there is still milk in the fridge.
Anika is 3 1/2 years old now. She is the boss. She runs the show. She is cuter than ever, and she knows it. She brings so much life and joy into my world, and yet she drains me of my energy and my patience with her strong-willed persistence. I hope she never loses it. But I also hope it isn’t the death of me.
Nick got a job as an airline pilot working for SkyWest. He spent 2 months this summer in Utah for training. And now he is based out of Detroit, on call for 3-4 days at a time, living at a crash pad, and coming home sometimes just for 24 hours a time. I rarely know what city he is in, let alone what time zone. I miss having him by my side, to help with the chaos. We hope it is only temporary, and that eventually things will settle down. We hope he can be based in the same city in which we live. And we hope that we don’t end up strangers.
I have to take Step 3 of the boards in one week. Yet another board exam. That I haven’t studied for. No matter which hurdle I jump over, there seems to always be another right behind it. But today I finished a blog post! And I call that a win.