This week I will start a new rotation – my final core rotation of third year before beginning electives. The rotation is OB/GYN, or obstetrics and gynecology for those not down with the lingo. With the exception or surgery, this rotation more than the others is causing me some anxiety.
I’m not sure how I feel about the rotation. A year ago I probably would’ve been super excited to deliver babies, but after having gone through such a difficult labor last summer, I am a little worried for what I’m going to feel.
Will I be flooded with memories of my own labor experience? Will I be angry with the women who have better experiences than I did? Will I be sad when I have to witness a c section from the other side of the curtain? Or will I come to terms with having a c section and realize that sometimes that’s just what happens?
I really don’t know. I’m super nervous for whatever I’m going to feel. I just hope I can keep it together and not fall apart in the operating room when I see my first c section. I think the thing I’m most scared for is seeing all the cute little babies. I know that during my pediatrics rotation, all the tiny newborns really made me want to have another baby, and I have a feeling this rotation is going to bring on the same feeling!
Anika just turned 9 months old, and I really can’t believe that much time has gone by since she was born. It seems like just yesterday, while at the same time it seems like a decade ago. I can’t really remember what it felt like to be pregnant. The sleep deprived nights of having a newborn are only a memory. Now I’ve got a big girl who can clap and laugh and smile and is oh-so-close to saying “mama.”
I think there will be a lot of tears during the next month. Tears at what happened to me. Tears for women who have to go through something similar. Tears at seeing new lives enter the world. Tears thinking of my own baby and how much joy she brings to my life.
I don’t know what will happen for sure. The only thing I am certain of is that I won’t be going into OB/GYN, so I will try to enjoy every moment of the next month.
Here’s a picture of Anika and I during my recent trip back to Kirksville for testing
my first patient 
amen! I obviously don’t have a kiddo, but there were a lot of tears for me, mostly because it was one of those experiences that just make us human. And since I’m religious (and you are too), the whole renewal of life and the hope that babies represent got to me, but I think that just makes us good soon-to-be doctors. Embrace the feels! 🙂
I don’t want to suggest to you what you might experience, because I think it will happen as it must. I will say that I think you will find that you are stronger than you think. Just keep taking stock of yourself and your life and you will get through it just fine. And WRITE – we all want to hear what your experience is in the end. 🙂