I’ve compiled a list of things that doctors really love. You should probably do as many of these as you can the next time you go to the doctor and you will undoubtedly become her favorite patient.
1. Have a zillion problems. Doctors love it when you come for your 15-minute appointment with a ton of problems. It’s completely reasonable to expect your physician to counsel you on your new diabetes diagnosis, prescribe you something to try for your insomnia, refill your migraine meds, examine your aching back, and remove a dozen skin tags from your neck.
2. Leave your biggest problem for last. Never bring up your biggest problems first. In fact it’s best to wait until your doctor has signed her note, said her goodbyes, and is halfway out the door before you mention that episode of chest pain or your recent suicidal thoughts.
3. Google your symptoms. It’s always a good idea to diagnose yourself first before going to the doctor. Check google or WebMD to convince yourself you’re dying of cancer. Also prepare to tell your doctor what medication you heard about on TV recently that you think you should probably try.
4. Ask for refills on that medication you can’t remember the name of. It’s okay if you don’t remember the name, the dose, or what you were taking it for. Just tell your doctor the color and size of the pill, and she should be able to take it from there. She spent four years of medical school memorizing pills by their colors, so you might as well make her use that knowledge.
5. Show up fashionably late. Doctors always make you wait anyways, so make their lives easier by coming 10-15 minutes late for your appointment. It’s not like they have other patients to see or anything.
6. Complain about your other doctors. It’s important for you to explain to your doctor in detail about how stupid other doctors you’ve seen were. I mean, it was ridiculous for that specialist to refuse to prescribe you a weight loss pill that could raise your blood pressure when it’s already dangerously high.
7. Bring back up. It’s always better to go to the doctor with an entourage. Really, going to the doctor is like a big party, so bring your mom, your brother, your kids, and your nieces and nephews, too. The more the merrier.
8. Refuse to take pills. Sure you have high blood pressure, atrial fibrillation, and a history of blood clots, but what good is a pill going to do?
9. Never give your kids immunizations. After all, you weren’t vaccinated as a child and nothing bad happened to you.
10. Continue to smoke and gain weight. A high BMI and a pack a day keep the doctor away.